Hello, Lovine.com

i find myself in a mysterious space... a tesseract that glows faintly of past choices, the directions that we've chosen to live. its supposed to be simple, seeing how everything starts to fit together and paint the picture that you're standing in. but the simplicity is mind boggling. pieces come and go, stay and change. a living breathing canvas pulled by your own strings, that paints itself and transforms with each whim and accord.

while i spend the quiet night pondering on the fabric of how i've played my cards, it strikes me that the most beautiful thing above the mystery of this space is being able to call it my own. and even better, is being given the chance to share it - and choosing to do so.

what i love about getting lost, is that sometimes i don't really want to find my way back again. especially when i get lost in your embrace. hallo, i'm kat's lovine :)

i just saw billy corgan.

agh! :)

i had a complete physical done today. funny! so i was lying on the table, cords dangling all around me on tabs placed all over my chest for the ECG (electrocardiogram). i'm busy daydreaming, when the machine beside me starts churning out the results on paper. from a side view, i see the beats of my heart graphed on charts, and then slowly, some text starts to appear...

** B O R D E R L I N E A B N O R M A L **

and i'm like.. wait a minute.. what! the assistant just throws me a little smirk, and says oh don't worry, that's not final... uh, yeah lady. i was kinda excited, actually. i grabbed the report off the machine, and the summary reads: "borderline abnormal. possible hypercalcemia." what in hell's name is that?! do i have a hole in my heart that only jesus can heal? is my right ventricle flapping all over, like a meth addict in withdrawal? am i a small boy with an oversized heart bursting with goodness? okay i'll stop. anyway, googling it when i got back home didn't turn up anything serious and it's probably just a fluke in the program. i'll find out results next week, it's nothing to be worried about since that report was machine generated without analysis.

and i'm pretty borderline abnormal anyway, i didn't need an ECG to tell me that. as long as my heart is still beating, i'll be fine :) and boy, does it beat!

i'm getting tired. of a lot of things. maybe i do have issues, never really being content in the eye of normalcy. i want to change the layout of my room, change decor, change clothes, change this blog's layout, change this site's functionality. random random things, that tend to hover unnecessarily in my consciousness. i want to write songs, print pictures, take more steps forward. one day at a time i guess, for the little grasshopper.

it's funny the big gamble we play, in not really knowing what exactly tomorrow brings. each day we plan tomorrows, for years on end but the actions we take can only really exist now. and then one day, that tomorrow will not come. the words unspoken, the dreams unknown, the stories untold are all forever lost. empty excuses, unfinished promises, everything that is too early to be forgotten, and too late to be undone. seize the day? seize your life. now. hey.. someone with a secret is calling. :)

the past two weeks are taking its toll. i don't mind the drive, but the consistency of the commute is starting to wear me thin. tomorrow's the last of the 100 mile a day commutes, thankfully. despite the setbacks which include the windowless basement office, i think i've substantially learned a lot from this engagement i was assigned to. ahh, the fresh grind of corporate machinery. i'd explain what i do, but i'd rather say i'm a ninja. i am one, really.

tomorrow morning i head out for a road trip straight after work. happy 4th of july little kids, don't get into too much trouble! can't wait to see the plankton :">

pilsner urquell in the morning. beer - the breakfast of champions.

i spent the whole week working at huntington beach, a cool 50 mile commute from mi casa. a hundred miles roundtrip. waking up at 5am isn't as bad as i thought, but sleeping earlier is something i need to get used to.

yesterday, i was baptised sabido. i wonder what heights batuque will take me.

skipping slightly, i'm pretty sure it missed a beat. the almighty purr of the machine that keeps us running, is all clammed up and covered in velveteen. i'm so smitten. when will i see you again, plankton? :)

gotta love southern california. shake it, baby.

i think i should go online less, and read more. bike somewhere. take pictures, play the guitar, smell the flowers, fart on the grass. i lose sleep, might as well lose it trying to live a more interesting life than yesterday's hamster wheel.

picked up alex garland's the beach from kat. its a pretty good read, surprising for a fairly illiterate fellow like me. the last book i enjoyed was palahinuk's fight club. i haven't seen both movies, but i should get around to catching up on my pop culture aside from popping fitty cent's the massacre when i feel like cruisin' around the wesside fo shizzle. haha! someone shoot me.

recently i find myself counting my blessings and spending an extra moment at the end of the day thanking who's up there for all the good graces that come this way. the food on our plate, the company we share, and the ability to appreciate the small things that some people don't bother to see. speechless, because i have too much to say but will never find the right words. not yet, at least. :)

we yearn to see a world overflowing with meaning, to be able to find the small treasures of truth that sustain the very fabric of our dreams. it would be nice to wakeup in the morning and actually look forward to the rest of the day, wondering what it holds in store for the adventurer..

but in the course of the day you're beset with reality checks. road rage, junk food, deadlines and mortgages. global warming, hunger, and the struggle of keeping afloat in a capitalist fishbowl. there must be some sort of detachment somewhere. there's some sort of disconnect that you want to bridge, between the world outside your eyes and the one inside your mind, trying to find an ominous equation that ties it all down into live-able sense. but until you find that equation to answer all the questions (which is probably never), we live in the wonderful mysteries of trying to solve life one waking moment at a time.

sometimes i wonder, maybe that disconnect is what really matters.

my new hobby is sniffing dry-erase markers, and drinking liters of bottled water to initiate bathroom pilgrimages. non-linear post-it poetry offers progressive therapy during moments of oversaturated boredom, which is rarely the case inside the windowless office room on my round coffee table. medium and large size binder clips are my new friends, and together we face the rough world of application in-scope documentation in the valiant crusade of sarbanes-oxley compliance. the network copier machine is in heat! prop up the white collars, fo shizzle!

help.

there's something about listening to the beatles in the middle of the night that's strangely comforting. after a long day, all you really want to do is stretch out and forget about everything. now, that feels better. :)