Thermostats help you keep cool.
The problem was, it was too cool! Ever since I had the Shitzuki, the temp gauge would always hover below the midline and took forever to warm up the engine. Then a week ago, it started barfing coolant into the reservoir tank - so much that it inched its way past the 'max' line and eventually started spitting out of the reservoir bottle altogether. There were fears of a blown head gasket pushing the coolant out of the radiator, but the coolant looked clean, so hopefully it was a thermostat issue which would be an easier fix than open top-end surgery. So I took the thermostat housing off at work and found the culprit, stuck in the wide open position. Fifteen minutes later, everything is good and well. So far. I'll know for sure when I make my way back home.
Keep it cool, kids.